When is Enough Enough?
When did I get so distracted?
It's like my words don't match my actions
I lose my clarity
But I'll get back to me in no time
Three dots and no reply
Feeling like a social suicide
But when I clear my mind
It's kinda nice here in the quiet
Why I always gotta be perfect?
Sometimes, I go, I try to make everything so perfect
But it's not and it's cool
'Cause its real when it's true, yeah
How high is high enough?
How far is far is enough?
How much is too much?
When is enough enough?
How rich is rich enough?
How strong is strong enough?
I'm scared of losing touch
So when is enough enough?
These are lyrics from one of my current favorite artists, Samm Henshaw's song "Enough"
It speaks directly to where my mental state is currently.
I can say unequivocally that I have been blessed.
I mean literally so much that has happened in my life has been objectively great.
I had the support of my parents growing up
I had awesome siblings that have been supportive in everything.
I graduated college debt-free
I have a job that I actually like what I do. Plus coworkers that are actually fun and a boss that actually cares.
I bought a home in one of the craziest times to be a home buyer
I'm in the best physical shape of my life
My brother is currently living with me and it's awesome.
I have a good relationship with my parents
I have great friends and an awesome church support
I can afford everything that I need even as inflation continues to rise.
I could keep going but I think you get the point. Sure there are things that haven't exactly been according to plan. Like losing one of the people I loved the most, Uncle T still miss you.
But generally
I thank God
But even knowing all that, for some reason recently I've been feeling this sense of dread and lack. Now Part of it is due to my emergency fund being depleted by this house I bought.
Excuse me as I step on my soap box to say:
A house is not an investment!
Which is a natural feeling to have. As your emergency fund is a safety net. When it's not in place, it feels like I'm on a boat in the middle of the ocean without a life vest. I mean I'm fine but anything can happen.
But it's more than that. It's more a feeling of inadequacy. Where I just feel like I'm behind and I'm not making any progress even though I can see the progress I've made.
Something to know about me is I'm goal-driven/oriented. As much as I like to push away from it and deflect and say things like "As long as I'm heading in the right direction". In my heart of hearts, I want to hit quantifiable metrics.
The problem is life isn't about metrics. There is no real quantifiable way to say yeah I have done this therefore I've made it. Even if we wanted to use metrics, which one do I go by?
Do I go by net worth?
Do I go by work position?
Do I go by relationships?
Do I go by business(es) built?
Do I go by social media numbers?
Do I go by (fill in the blank thing we use to compare ourselves to others)?
But I guess that's the crux of it?
Comparison
It's kinda ironic cause I regularly talk to people about focusing on their own journey. To never allow comparison to steal their joy. To celebrate the victories in what they have accomplished so far.
But yet, this is one thing I struggle the most with.
Maybe that's why it's easy for me to talk about it with others.
I don't know if this feeling will ever leave but I'll keep pressing on it. Questioning myself about it. Because although it can be unhealthy in some aspects, it's also can be good.
Getting that right balance of enjoying each moment as it happens and chasing the next.
Side Note: Happy 28th Birthday to me